


Iceberg Ahead

by bitboozy



Series: Domesticated [15]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Gen, angst angst angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 01:48:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20250163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitboozy/pseuds/bitboozy
Summary: It's Fred Miller's fifth birthday party. It's Star Wars-themed, there's cake, and oh yeah, an iceberg in the distance.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is part one of two!

Fred Miller’s fifth birthday falls on a Sunday in September.

The boy of the hour wakes up at 6am, like it’s Christmas. Grabbing his stuffed giraffe, he goes first into Daisy’s room. She’s passed out face down on her bed, legs hanging over the side. Then goes into his older brother’s room, and finds him asleep on his back, music wafting out of his massive headphones. Then he goes into his mum and Alec’s room. She’s on her back, one arm over her head. The other arm is around Alec, whose head rests on her sternum just below her breasts, his arm draped over her legs.

Fred can’t understand why he’s the only one awake. There’s so much to _do_. He stands in their bedroom doorway pouting, then he throws the giraffe at the bed. It lands on Alec’s head, but Ellie’s the only one who rouses. She lifts her head, then suddenly extricates herself from Alec and runs to the master bathroom. Fred is unalarmed, and climbs up onto the bed.

“I’m FIVE,” he announces, jumping on the mattress next to Alec’s head. 

Alec opens one eye, and sits up a bit, looking for Ellie. Then Fred lands on top of him. “I’M FIVE,” he says again.

“Aye, my wee lad, y’are,” he replies, accent thick. “A very happy birthday to you.”

“To ME!”

Alec squeezes Fred to him and tickles him. The child is giggling uncontrollably when Ellie comes back out from the loo. “Mumma, I’m FIVE!”

She seems a bit pale and unsettled, but her face breaks instantly into a grin as she walks to bed, grabs Fred, and swings him around. She drops him back on the bed, a little dizzy, and smooches him. “Happy birthday, my little love.” 

“Big love,” Fred insists. “I’m FIVE.”

Then Fred hops off the bed, drags the giraffe along with him. “Birthday breakfast!” He yells, as he runs out of the room. 

“Oof.” Ellie sits down on the edge of the bed.

Alec inches over to her and kisses her shoulder. “All right, love?” 

She nods. “Have a bad habit of feeling poorly on my children’s birthdays. Some kind of weird psychological tribute to labor. Like muscle memory.” 

“Did you – “ He gestures back to the loo.

“Yeah, but I’m – “ She launches herself off the mattress and runs back into the loo. He can hear her throwing up from where he is. “’m fine!” She calls out to him after.

He chuckles. “Tea?”

“Yes please.”

He pulls on a robe and heads downstairs.

An hour later, she’s prepared the largest breakfast he’s ever seen. It’s gooey and syrupy and sweet and something a lot like disgusting. The kids are _ecstatic_. Fred is already bouncing off the walls _before _his sugar intake spikes, and Alec is terrified of what he’s about to turn into. Ellie takes it all in stride, though, being a veteran of these things. She lets the three children gorge themselves for as long as they like, and then sends them off to get dressed. He watches in horror.

She heads to the basin to start the washing up, stopping occasionally to eat a bite of dry toast. He comes up beside her. “I’ll take over,” he says, nudging her out of the way and resuming the dishes in her place. “That all you’re gonna eat? After all that?”

She nods and shrugs simultaneously. “Help settle my stomach a bit. Must save room for all the cake later on anyhow.”

“Oh god. _Cake_.” He cringes.

She smiles mischievously. “Seemed to quite enjoy it the other night,” she reminds him, thinking back on their little tryst in the downstairs loo which began, oddly enough, with a bite of chocolate cake. 

“Well,” he replies haughtily. “That was different.”

“Course it was.” She pushes herself up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “Any way I can convince you to take the kids to the beach on your own this morning?” 

He looks at her, surprised. “Fred’ll not stand for it.”

“He’ll hardly notice, with you around,” she replies. “Just think I ought to rest up a bit for later, have a lie down. Still feeling a bit peaky.”

He’s stopped with the dishes and raises both eyebrows at her in both disbelief and concern. “D’you need something from the chemist? I could pop out and – “

“No, no, ta,” she replies. “I promise, this happens every year. Just one of the delightful quirks of being with me.”

“…All right, then.”

She smiles gratefully. “So you take them to the beach. I’ve already packed lunch. I’ll have a lie down and then start setting up for the party.” She squeezes his arm. “The beach will feel like a walk in the park compared to the loads of five-year-olds about to invade our house.” ‘

He groans.

“Thank you.” She kisses him softly. “Have _fun._”

She starts to exit, pulling out her phone and sending a text as she does. He returns to the washing up, mentally preparing himself for the day ahead.

*

When they return from the beach, Beth is helping Ellie hang decorations around the house. _Star Wars_-themed, of course. Fred runs to his mother, throwing his arms around her legs. She picks him up, her whole body lit up by his presence, his innate joy.

“How was the beach, little love?”

He holds up his lightsaber high in the air. “I fought a crab!”

“_Oh_,” Ellie replies, very seriously. “And were you victorious?” 

“I’m _five _now, Mumma,” Fred replies matter-of-factly. “I’m the number one Jedi.” 

“Well you’re certainly _my _number one Jedi.” She squeezes him tight, and to the surprise of all, he relaxes against her, head resting on her shoulder, lightsaber hanging down.

“You’re the Mumma Jedi,” he says softly, with a gigantic yawn. Beth and Ellie exchange knowing glances. Ellie looks back at Alec, who is enjoying a moment of reprieve by the doorway.

She sways a bit back and forth soothingly, grateful that she can still rock her baby this way even on his fifth birthday. She and Alec smile at each other, and Beth watches them all with a quiet admiration.

“Hey, sweet boy, you know what?” Ellie says softly into Fred’s ear. “If you take a little nap _now_, before everyone arrives, you can stay up even later tonight when they’re all here.”

“Mm.” Fred murmurs into her shirt.

“What do you think, you want to lie down for a bit?”

He nods, grasping her shirt sleepily. “Wanna snuggle.”

Beth scrunches up her nose grinning at this, and to her surprise, Alec’s eyes upon them are soft and reverant.

“Okay, my love,” Ellie says, heading toward the stairs. “Beth, will you – “

Beth suddenly springs into action. “Right, oh yes, I’ll go pop by the shop.”

Ellie looks at Alec. “Forgot a few things, Beth’ll grab them. Can you wrangle Tom and Daiz back here and finish decorating? I’ll put him down and then get to work on snacks and party favors.”

“Aye,” he agrees, as she slowly ascends the stairs with a sleepy Fred.

Beth heads for the front door. “Back in a flash.”

Once she’s gone, Alec summons Tom and Daisy via text to return home. He gets to work finishing the decorations, and when they finally arrive, he lets himself take a break. Only now realizing the time, he heads upstairs to see about Ellie. He finds her in Fred’s room, fast asleep with him in his little bed. He steps softly over to them and kneels down.

“Ellie,” he whispers, rubbing her arm. “Lucy’ll be here soon with all the food.” 

Ellie stirs, opening her eyes.

“Did you not sleep earlier?” He asks, only a bit concerned.

“I did,” she replies, trying to sit up without disturbing Fred. “Sorry, I didn’t intend to…”

“’S all right, love, come on.” He stands and holds a hand out to her, helping her up. They slowly tiptoe back out of the room and close the door behind them.

Ellie rubs her eyes. “I keep tapping out on you, I’m sorry,” she says. “I always have all these lofty goals on their birthdays and then end up feeling like absolute shite. 

“Don’t remember you feeling like this on Tom’s birthday last year,” Alec replies, a little suspiciously. 

“We weren’t together then,” she counters. “Less of a chance for you to notice.”

He reaches for her hand. “What would help? Bit of lemon ginger tea perhaps?”

“Oh, could do.” Her eyes widen suddenly. “Do we have any _gherkins_? I would commit bloody murder for a gherkin right now.”

He frowns. She pulls away and starts heading down the stairs.

“Beth back yet?” She calls behind her.

“Uh, not yet,” he calls back, standing right where he is.

*

With Fred asleep, Daisy and Tom make quite a bit of headway putting together bags of party favors. Alec takes a few work calls in the garden, and Ellie busies herself with Lucy in the kitchen, setting out refreshments. When Alec joins them, their current topic of discussion makes him instantly wish that he hadn’t.

“I think it’s finally happening, honestly,” Lucy is saying, fixing little tea sandwiches. “Haven’t had my period in four months now. Doctor calls it ‘perimenopause.’

Ellie’s ears perk up. “When’s that supposed to start?”

“Forties, doc says, thirties for some,” Lucy replies. “I’m exhausted all the time and I _always _have to wee.”

Ellie has a jar of gherkins next to her, and pops one in her mouth. Lucy winces. “Stop doing that.”

“What?”

“They’re disgusting.”

“You’re disgusting.” 

“You never liked gherkins before, always thought they were too slimey,” Lucy says.

Alec clears his throat. “How can I help here?”

“Oh.” Ellie laughs, turning around to see him. “Sorry, love. You can lay out the drinks?” 

He nods, and gets to his task.

“Had my first hot flash the other day,” Lucy announces.

“You’re taking this awfully well, I must say,” Ellie comments, popping another gherkin into her mouth. “Never had you as one to embrace the aging process.”

“Well, bloody _look _at me, will you? What’ve I got to worry about?” Lucy eats a piece of cheese. “My reproductive system may be givin’ out on me, but the rest of me’s doin’ just fine.” 

“You still on the pill?” The younger sister asks, and Alec wishes he could evaporate into thin air.

Lucy shrugs. “For now, to be safe.”

“Been thinking I might try an IUD or something, I just switched from one brand of pill to another and I’ve been so sodding _hormonal _lately.” She shakes her head, then gestures at Alec. “_He _can tell you that.”

He looks up, startled. “What?” 

“Have I not been driving you mad these past weeks?”

He looks like a deer caught in headlights.

“What’s he supposed to say to that, El? Give the man a break.”

“Spose he can’t complain much,” Ellie concedes. “My bloody sex drive is through the roof.”

Lucy snickers appreciatively. Alec stands, uncomfortable. “Reckon I can be more useful to you somewhere else,” he says. “I’ll go wrangle Fred from his nap, he’ll be wanting to put his Kylo costume on before everyone gets here.”

“Thanks, love!” Ellie calls after him as he exits.

*

Alec is in Fred’s room helping the jittery little boy change into his costume when he hears Beth and Ellie shuffle past the door and down the hall together, conversing in hushed tones. Downstairs, he hears Ellie’s father’s voice followed by Olly’s. Guests are starting to arrive and he fees a rush of trepidation and anxiety. It’s their first party together since he and Daisy have moved in, and the first one he has co-hosted in…at least a decade, he reckons. He prefers to stand in the corner with a scotch, observing the inanity of these kinds of social gatherings. The idea of being inescapably in the midde of it all might just give him hives. But Fred is so excited and his joy is utterly contagious. Alec can’t bring himself to be even the slightest bit resentful.

Lightsaber in hand, Fred bursts out of his room and scurries down the stairs. Alec follows, though with much less urgency, and descends into the growing crowd downstairs praying Ellie will appear. To his surprise, when he arrives downstairs, he sees that Daisy has slipped into full party planner mode, ushering all the kids and their parents outside to the garden.

Ellie’s father appears to be waiting for him, a G&T in his hand. Alec braces himself, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Sir,” he says respectfully.

“Bout time you called me David, I reckon,” the older man says.

Alec nods. “David then.”

“Seems you’re all settled in then, you and your daughter.”

“Daisy,” Alec says. “Settled as we can be.”

David Barrett raises an eyebrow.

“With three children, that is.”

“Right. Any road, Ellie seems quite pleased with the arrangement.”

Alec smiles wryly. “Should hope so.”

“Speaking of…”

“Was just looking for herself myself,” Alec says. “Why don’t you head on out to the garden and I’ll keep at it.”

David nods, and to Alec’s utter shock, pats his arm. “Right, then.”

Lucy enters from the kitchen then, phone in hand, heading for the stairs. “Back in a mo,” she calls behind her as she scurries up the stairs. 

David is shaking his head when Alec looks at him. “Up to no good, that one.”

In the garden, a flurry of five-year-olds are running around with lightsabers. Chloe has arrived with Lizzie, who does not know much about _Star Wars _but is content to run around aimlessly just the same. Chloe and Daisy has taken to a corner, giggling about something or other, while Tom stays close to the refreshments with Olly.

Before he has a chance to hide, Fred spots Alec and drags him into the action, deeming him Han Solo and handing him a lightsaber. Alec is a bit hesitant at first – playing around with Fred is all well and good when it’s just their family, alone, it’s another thing entirely to do it in the middle of a crowded party. But he can’t resist the boy. Never could.

It’s close to fifteen minutes later when he spots Beth in the corner with Daisy and Chloe. But still no Ellie. He jogs out of the swirling mass of five-year-olds. “Beth,” he calls out, approaching them. “Where’s El?”

“Be down in a minute,” Beth replies with an easiness he can tell is feigned. He is a detective after all. “Just needed a change of clothes. Spilled lemonade all over her in the kitchen, my clumsy arse did.”

Alec notices that Lucy is still conspicuously absent. Beth tucks a strand of hand behind her ear, suddenly a bit eager. “You want a drink, Hardy? Going to make myself a G&T." 

He realizes all at once that he could certainly use one. “Right, okay.”

Beth heads inside to their small bar cart in the living room, and Alec follows her. He watches her make the drinks silently for a moment before he asks, “Have I upset her?”

“Who? El?” She shakes her head. “Nah. Didn’t she tell you? She gets this like on her kids’ birthdays. Bit woozy. Joe usually had to run these events.”

He can see Beth shudder at her own casual mention of his name. Another life.

Alec frowns. “Not really my thing.”

“You’re doin’ just fine.” She hands him a drink.

“Much obliged.” They clink their glasses.

“She trusts you, Hardy,” Beth says, taking a sip. “Otherwise she’d be down here tryin’ to power through it all, slipping out to throw up in a bin every so often.”

“Is she still – “

“Oh, no.” Beth shakes her head half-heartedly. “Well, maybe once, while I was up there.” 

“She’s not eaten a thing all day, I dunno what she could possibly have to – “

Ellie comes trotting down the stairs at that moment, followed by Lucy. She has not, in fact, changed her clothes. Alec can see that Beth is acutely aware of this as well, and looks to see if he is.

“Haunting the bar, I see,” Ellie says breezily, as she heads past them.

They all follow her out to the garden, Alec bringing up the rear, and by the time he lays eyes on her again she’s shoving a cupcake into her mouth. He breathes a sigh of relief. At least that’s an Ellie he recognizes. Fred catches sight of her and runs into her arms. They seem to be discussing a matter of great importance – the cake, he suspects. He watches her mingle with the other parents, and though she’s still a bit pale, her friendly smile lights her up. He feels awashed with relief. After she’s done her due diligence with the parents, she grabs Lucy and they disappear into the kitchen. He follows a bit surreptitiously, to make sure they’re not disappearing altogether again. But no, they’re in the kitchen, putting candles on a giant Kylo Ren sheet cake. 

After a few minutes, he’s told to help gather everyone round, and they all stand by with great anticipation as she brings the cake out, lit up with five candles, and everyone sings “Happy Birthday,” loud and off-key. When Fred blows out the candles, she kisses his face all over, smushing his little cheeks. No longer pale, she seems to glow.

Lucy cuts the cake, handing Fred a giant piece that makes Alec wonder if the child will sleep at _all _tonight, and he watches Ellie grab a little Millenium Falcon made of marzipan and pop it into her mouth. Then, with her finger, she swipes some frosting off Fred’s piece of cake with a wicked smile. Pulling her mobile out of her pocket, she runs to the other side of the garden so she can take a picture of the proceedings and capture the entire scene.

Alec seizes the moment of her being just away from the madding crowd and comes up behind her, circling her waist with his arms and kissing her neck. Neither of them says a thing. He kisses behind her earlobe, then her hair, and she relaxes back into him as they watch the kids dive face first into their cake.

“Alec,” she says quietly after moment.

“Mm.”

With his arms around her, he can feel her taking a deep breath, exhaling noticeably. 

“I’m pregnant.”

He can’t move. “_Wha_?” 

She turns around in his arms to face him, her expression entirely unreadable.

“I’m pregnant.”

*


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m pregnant.”

Ellie and Alec are in a mad race to read each other’s expression, to determine how the other one feels before they have any idea how they feel themselves. As a result, both expressions are unreadable.

His hands fall from her waist and land at his sides.

“You’re….um,” is all he says. 

“Yeah.”

“That’s why you’ve been…”

“Yes.”

Fred comes running over at lightning speed. “Mumma!”

His face is covered in frosting. She kneels down, pulls him into her arms and tries to kiss all the frosting off. He squirms. “Is it time for presents?”

“Has everyone finished their cake?”

Alec is amazed by how easily she’s able to turn herself back on. He’s never had the emotional skills to compartmentalize that way.

“…No.”

“You’ll have to wait then, my little love.”

Fred sighs loudly and runs back to his friends. Ellie stands again and faces a still very flummoxed Alec. 

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I thought I’d wait to tell you, ‘til after the party, but I…couldn’t.”

He nods. “I’m glad you didn’t.” 

“It didn’t feel right.”

“No.” He looks past her at the crowd gathered yards away. “That’s what you and Beth were – what Lucy – “

“I sent Beth to the chemist. She came back with five pregnancy tests,” Ellie explains, and then sheepishly adds, “I took all five.”

“And all five were…”

“Yes.”

“MUMMA!” Fred yells from across the garden.

Ellie sighs. “We should probably – “

He reaches for her hand and squeezes it. “All right?”

She nods, then walks back over to the party.

For the next hour, they both try to put it out of their minds and focus on a very energetic five-year-old. But it’s impossible. Ellie sits with Fred on her lap as he opens presents. Alec sits across the way. Every few minutes their eyes meet, as they catch the other one staring at them, and then they both look away.

Slowly, parents start to take their exhausted children by the hand and lead them away, until it’s only family left. And Beth, Chloe, and Lizzie.

They sit around the living room – Ellie, Beth, Lucy, David, and Olly – while Daisy and Tom decide to put together an impromptu football match in the field as the sun sets. Lizzie joins them, but Fred is asleep on top of Ellie, still clutching his lightsaber. Alec is in the kitchen washing up. No way he can look David in the eye for a good long while knowing he’s gotten his youngest daughter pregnant out of wedlock.

“Your fellow going to join us, Ellie?” David asks, challengingly.

“Doubt that very much, Dad,” Ellie replies nonchalantly.

“Oi, why’s Alec the only one in the kitchen doing the washing up anyway?” Lucy demands to know. “Least you boys can do is lend a hand.”

David and Olly grudgingly stand, put down their drinks, and exit into the kitchen. Lucy and Beth both imemdiately turn to Ellie as if on cue.

“You told him, then?” Lucy assumes. “That why he’s hiding in the kitchen?”

“I did, but that’s not why he’s hiding,” Ellie replies, kissing her sleeping son’s temple.

Lucy rolls her eyes. “I knew you couldn’t keep it a secret.”

“I tried, but I’m no good at secrets. ‘Specially not with him. One look into those searing eyes and I’m done for.”

“I’d hate to be in an interrogation room with him,” Beth quips.

“So what’d he say then?” Lucy asks.

“Neither of us said much of anything, frankly, there wasn’t so much time,” Elle explains. “I did not pick my moment well.”

Beth curls her feet up underneath her. “This is what he wanted, though, isn’t it? Didn’t you say he – " 

“What,” Lucy says tersely, turning on her sister. “What’s this now?”

Ellie sighs heavily, causing Fred to shift a bit. “All he said is he _might_ want a baby. The discussion went no further because I told him I didn’t.”

Both women are quiet. Even Lucy doesn’t have a quip for that. Ellie doesn’t look at them, and instead just holds Fred close, kissing his hair.

“El.” Lucy waits until her sister looks at her. “Why don’t you and Alec disappear for a bit? Go down to the beach or somethin’. I’ll stick around here and look after the kids.”

Beth nods, sitting up. “The girls and I will get out of your hair, I’ve got to get Lizzie to bed anyhow.” 

Ellie sits up too, which forces Fred awake. “Need more cake,” he murmurs.

She laughs. “You most certainly do not. Come on now, birthday boy. You get to play with your aunt Lucy and cousin Olly for awhile.”

Fred perks up, suddenly getting a second wind. “Olly can be Luke Skywalker.”

He jumps up off her and runs outside. Ellie smiles gratefully at Lucy. “Thanks, Luce.”

As nice as a walk on the beach sounds, neither one of them has the energy, and the idea of fighting back against the wind while they have this conversation is entirely unappealing. With the kids all playing outside with Olly and Lucy, they retreat to their bedroom.

Ellie stands against the closed door, and he sits down on the edge of the bed, his hands clasped together. When he doesn’t speak, she feels like she wants to shrink until she disappears. And then she gets mad.

“Fine, then,” she grumbles, heading toward the master bathroom. “I’ll just go shower.”

“_Ellie_.” He stands.

She whirls around. “What.”

“Don’t get angry with me just because it’s easier.”

“_Easier_.” She folds her arms across her chest.

“Look, you didn’t exactly chose the best time to tell me, so whatever your expectations are about what my reaction should be – “

“Oh, I have no expectations, I haven’t had _time _to have expectations.” 

“What was your reaction?”

“What?”

“When you looked at all the tests and saw they were positive. What was _your _reaction.”

Ellie shifts her weight around. “I just sat there.”

“And?” 

She says nothing. He puts his hands on his hips, not quite adversarial, but in need of some control. “What made you think you were…you know, in the first place?”

“Pregnant. What made me think I was pregnant.”

He gestures noncommittally.

“Three weeks late. Morning sickness, cravings, fatigue, overactive sex drive…” 

“What about your birth control pills?”

She sighs. “Switched them up about a month or so back. There was maybe a _day _unaccounted for.” She rubs her eyes. “I’m forty-three years old, I didn’t think there was even the remotest chance of – anything accidental…and every week I was late, still the thought didn’t even _occur _to me. Even when we were discussing what – Tess said, I honestly didn’t…I had _no_…”

He takes a step toward her. “_El_.”

She refocuses. “Yeah.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

She looks down at her shoes, nodding just slightly. “I know.”

“Ellie.”

When she looks back up, he’s smiling.

“You’re _pregnant_.”

It’s the expression on his face that makes her want to smile, far more than anything else. She almost does, but not quite. Her cheeks go red, and her lips curl up a bit.

“Yeah,” she replies, barely audible.

He’s full on grinning now.

“What, are you – happy?”

He can barely believe it himself. “I think I _am_.” 

She covers her face with her hands and shakes her head. “It’s a bit daft, though, isn’t it? We’re _old_, we’ve got teenage children, we’ve only just moved in together, it’s…”

“A bit extraordinary,” he finishes.

“Alec.”

“We made somethin’, El.”

She shakes her head again. “No – but we…”

He closes the gap between them and takes her face in his hands. “Tess was right. We should have a baby.”

She lays her hands on top of his. “You wanna have a baby?”

“I wanna have a baby with _you_.”

She’s blinking back tears when he kisses her, soft but insistent, and keeps kissing her. Then he kisses her cheek, her nose, her eyelid, still holding onto her face. “I – “ He kisses her lips again before she can say anything.

“Alec.” She pulls back a bit, gently moving his hands away from her face.

His face falls. “You still don’t…”

She moves away from him, and looks like she might pull out her own hair. “I don’t _know_, I don’t know.” She stands against the wall, leaning her forehead against it.

He observes her quietly for a moment, then takes a few steps forward, laying his hands on her shoulders. “What are you afraid of?” He asks, barely above a whisper. 

“’m not afraid,” she mumbles into the wall.

“Is it your miscarriage?” His tone is somehow both timid and steadfast. She doesn’t reply. “It was just one. Ten years ago. It doesn’t mean – “

“If it can happen once…” she whispers, not moving. “Ten years is not so long ago.”

He runs his hands up and down her arms reassuringly.

“And I’m forty-three. Which makes this a high-risk pregnancy.”

Certainly he can’t argue that. “I know, love.” He reaches for her waist and tentatively tries to pull her back against him, to see if she’ll let him. She does, leaning back against him as his arms fully circle around her. “I know.”

He wishes he could see her face, but he knows she doesn’t want him to. 

“It’s too much too fast, Alec,” she tells him sadly. “For christ’s sake, our first kiss was less than four bloody months ago!”

She’s not wrong, but hearing this fact blows his mind. It feels like lifetimes.

“You’re right. I’m not going to try to convince you otherwise. But, El.” He kisses her neck and his lips remain there. “This is what’s happening.”

“I swear to god, if you try to tell me these things happen for a reason…”

“’m not. I’m just saying this _is _happening. We’ve already done it,” he says into her hair. “And I think we can handle it.”

His hands slip underneath her shirt to feel the bare skin of her stomach. “It’s _there_, El.” Her shoulders tense up and he knows she’s about to cry. “Right, then, look at me now.” He turns her around to face him. “I want to have a baby with you. I am so sodding in love with you. And that love’s in there now.” He lays his palm flat against her stomach. “That love is…it’s so powerful that it now exists outside my body and inside yours. It’s wild and incomphrensible and yet here we are. I want you to think about that.” He leans his forehead to hers. 

She reaches for the back of his neck and pulls him forward until his lips meet hers. He presses one hand to the small of her back and lays the other at her waist, pulling her against him as they kiss. “How can you be so sure of everything?” She asks, voice cracking, lips against his. 

“Not everything, not even really much of anything,” he answers, sucking on her bottom lip. “Just you.”

He turns them around and starts guiding her back to the bed, lips never leaving hers. She falls back onto the mattress and he helps push her back all the way before crawling on top of her, kissing her desperately. After a few minutes, she stops him, breathless.

“Right, then,” she says finally, smiling for the first time since the conversation began. “Guess we’re having a baby.”

He flashes her back a boyish grin, hair falling into his face. “Guess we’re having a baby.”

Then he sits up, pushes up her shirt, and leans down to kiss her stomach. He drags his tongue across it, then sucks on the flesh near her right hip. His left hand feels around until it finds hers, and their fingers interlock. “You’re a bloody marvel, Ellie Miller,” he declares against her skin.

Even she is relieved she finds herself chuckling. “All I did was get knocked up.”

He props himself up, hovering over her. “And at the ripe old age of forty-three, what a feat that was!”

“Wanker.”

He lowers himself on top of her again and kisses her.

“This is a bit mad, isn’t it?” She says, biting her lip.

“We’ve always been a bit mad.”

From far away, they hear Fred’s voice carrying throughout the house. It’s a second before they realize he’s wailing, and they both sit up in time to hear him banging on the door, calling out for his mother. Ellie springs into action, hopping up as she hears Lucy say, “Come now, Freddie, let mummy alone for now.”

Ellie opens the door and immediately kneels down to the child’s level. He flings himself into her arms, tearing streaming down his face. Alec sits on nearby on the edge of the bed. “What is it, wee lad?” He asks.

Ellie leans forward onto her knees to steady herself, holding tight to Fred as he cries into her shoulder.

“He’s fine,” Lucy says, leaning against the doorframe. “Just wait.”

“Oh, my little love, what happened?” Ellie coos in his ear.

“Tom said – “ He sobs. “Tom said – that – that – that Kylo will die in the next movie.”

Lucy stares at them. “Told ya.”

“He did, did he,” Ellie replies sympathetically. “Well, what does he know? _He _hasn’t seen it.” Fred, sniffling, pulls back enough to look at her. “Don’t you worry, my sweet boy. Kylo’s not going anywhere.”

Fred nods through tears and buries his face back into Ellie’s shoulder. She looks over him at Lucy. “He’s just overtired.” She stands, lifting Fred up with her.

Lucy glances over at Alec. “You two all right? I can take the kids home with me if you need. 

Alec stands. “No need, thanks very much.” He goes to Ellie and Fred. “Think someone needs a bath.”

Even Fred can’t argue. “Alec do it.” The child holds his arms out to Alec, and Ellie helps transfer him over to Alec’s arms. Lucy is smiling.

“You two _should _have a baby.”

* 

Alec gives Fred a bath while Ellie wrangles Tom and Daisy, making certain to chide Tom properly for making his brother cry on his bloody birthday. She and Alec then read Fred his bedtime stories together, at his insistence, alternating by page. The three are snuggled together on his tiny twin bed, and Alec and Ellie can’t help but keep looking over at each other and smiling.

After they tuck him in and he’s fast asleep, they tiptoe out of his room and close the door behind them. As soon as they’re in the hallway, his arms are around her, his lips pressed to hers. Daisy comes padding by in her pyjamas on her way to the bathroom.

“You two do have a bedroom you know,” she says, mildly irritated, as she passes them.

Alec grabs Ellie’s hand and takes Daisy’s suggestion, leading her toward their bedroom. _Their _bedroom. Still gives them both a little thrill to remember it. Once the door is closed, he gently pushes her against it. He runs the back of his hand up and down her jawline before grasping the nape of her neck and kissing her, slow and sweet, taking his time. 

She can’t quite get a handle on the way she’s feeling. Overwhelmed, certainly. Terrified. Thoroughly shocked. Relieved and grateful to have a partner who is so over the moon. She’s both angry at her own body and in awe of what it can do. But more than anything she feels well and truly _loved_, which is all she ever really wants. 

She feels in love with the man in her arms, but she doesn’t feel in love with the child that’s inside her. She tries to remember how she felt the last three times she learned she was pregnant. Was it instantaneous? That overflow of love and gratitude? After her miscarriage, when Tom was three, she and Joe had decided to stop trying, that they could never go through that again and would not risk it. Fred had been an accident. She remembers now how she cried when she found out she was pregnant. She remembers now that it had felt a _little _like this. But she’d been thirty-seven then. Thirty-seven had felt old to her at the time, and the difference between thirty-seven and forty-two, in particular given all she’s been through since then, feels like the greatest of all possible divides.

She’s a little bit amazed by it all. How in four months of being in a real relationship, they have somehow managed to conceive a child. They have moved in together, fallen in love with each other’s children, and somehow created one of their own without even trying. He called it extraordinary and she must admit that it is. A child that is both hers and his…the notion moves her, it overwhelms her.

But does she want to go back to square one? Be pregnant for nine months, endure the agony of labor again, and all those sleepless nights…the screaming, the potty-training, constantly having a child underfoot. The idea is enough to make her woozy. Not to mention what it will do to their relationship, which is still so new. She doesn’t think he’s fully considered that. They’re still in a honeymoon phase – making eyes at each other across the table, holding hands as they walk, shagging whenever humanly possible. They waited so long to get here, and to have it snatched away so soon? It’s _cruel_. They don’t deserve that. They deserve to be happy and carefree, to be in love, to just enjoy their time together.

A baby feels like a death sentence to their relationship. Or at least, their relationship as they know it now. And are still getting to know it. And as happy as he seems now, she suspects it’s only a matter of time before he understands this too. Before he realizes what they’ve done.

“El.” His soft voice returns her to the moment. He’s tugging on the hem of her shirt, waiting for her to lift her arms so he can pull it over her head. She does, and then he does, and the shirt flies off. He kisses along her collarbone, both hands fumbling at her breasts through her bra.

She knows what this is, she knows it well. The first time you make love once you find out you’re pregnant is…well, it’s not quite like any other time. It’s heavy with love, reverence, fear, and utter amazement, total awe. To be so intimate with someone, so physically close all the while inside one of you is a whole human being you’ve made together by some miracle you can never understand…it’s pure _ecstasy_, it’s not quite of this world. She’s had this moment three times before. With a man she loved deeply, though admittedly, nothing like the way she loves the man with her now. The most powerful orgasm she ever had with Joe happened the day she learned she was pregnant with Fred. It might kill her to think about that now.

“_Ellie_.” He brings her back again, and he’s staring at her with searching eyes. “All right, love?”

She has no idea what to say to that. No, she’s not all right. And yes, of course she’s all right. She’s in love with an incredibly sexy and brilliant man who is trying very hard to shag her at the moment. She runs her fingers through his hair and kisses him. He has apparently decided not to read too much into her distraction, and takes this as confirmation that she is, in fact, all right. He kisses his way down her chest, her breasts, her ribs, until he’s kneeling on the floor before her, lips pressed reverently to her stomach.

She leans back against the wall and closes her eyes. He’s intent on marking her, as he always is, and his favorite spot to do so has always been just below her belly button. It has new meaning now, she knows. He’ll be spending even more time there now, she suspects. And she’ll only grow more self-conscious as she literally grows. It took her nearly two years to work off _all _the weight she gained while carrying Fred – both times with her giant boys, she’s been huge, and she carries heavy – and now thanks to her new healthy influence and a vigorous sex life she’s in the best shape she’s ever been in. That’ll all be gone soon. Not that she’s vain. But it is a consideration. For some mothers, stretch marks feel like a badge of honor, but she’s never warmed to hers.

He’s in love with her, so she’s sure he’ll find a way to see her as attractive even when she’s blown up like a balloon. Especially since it’s his child she’ll be carrying. But she won’t feel sexy. She’ll be desperate for sex, of course, because her libido goes wild when she’s pregnant and she can’t get enough. It’s unlikely he’ll be able to convince her she’s beautiful, though, much as she knows he’ll try. But she also knows that not succeeding will break his heart a little, which will only make her feel worse. 

“I love you so much,” he murmurs into her skin, and suddenly his teeth bite into the tender flesh just next to her belly button and she hisses. “Sorry,” he says, but she can feel him smiling.

The picture of him on his knees is one to be behold, she has to admit, and she loves the feeling of his hands holding her steady as his lips get to work on her. And she knows he knows she loves it. This is one of things she adores about him. He’ll always give her what she wants without her having to ask for it. It’s only been four months, but they’ve shagged enough to make up for _years _of wasted time and then some. She thinks it’s possible that they’ve done it more in four months than she and Joe did in thirteen years, but she knows logically that can’t be true. She wishes she could say that sex with Joe was boring and infrequent, _really _wishes she could say it, but it just isn’t true. It’s nothing like this of course - but it was satisfying all the same.

He’s unfastening her jeans now, pulling down the zipper. She’s never been able to decide which she likes more – when he’s gentle or when he’s rough – but she’s glad he’s chosen to be gentle now. If she were taking the lead on this one, she’d had chosen rough, but it would have been the wrong choice, and it would have worried him. He pulls her jeans down and strips them off her, then kisses his way from her knee, up her thigh, to her knickers. She shivers a bit, knowing what’s to come if she doesn’t stop him. He’ll do it to her right there, on his knees, he’ll peel off her knickers and tongue her until she can’t stand on her own anymore, and then, since they’re being gentle, he’ll carry her to the bed instead of standing and taking her up against the wall.

His hand is stroking her through the fabric of her knickers now and she feels so fluttery and nice that for a few seconds, she forgets she’s pregnant. When she remembers, she cries.

It takes a moment for a him to notice, so focused is he on the task at hand – pun intended. He rises from his knees and pulls her against him without asking questions, arms wrapped around her. She cries into chest.

“Shhh.” He strokes her hair, kisses her forehead. “You’re all right, my love.”

She’s shaking her head no, but she doubts he can’t feel it. He holds her for another few minutes, then she pulls back up just enough to look at him with wet, puffy eyes.

“I love you,” she says, earnestly. “But I don’t want this.”

***


End file.
